Well, so, okay...good news first! I've finally graduated from Von Lee. This means I'm now a professional certified make-up artist! It's really exciting to finally feel like my life is going somewhere and that it's going somewhere great! I should be applying to get a MAC Pro discount soon. Gives me a 40% discount on MAC products! As long as I can find the proper proof of professional status. I picked up an application the other day for Sephora in Towson Town Center. Ssssooooo, I should be working there, I hope anyway, after I turn in my app. But I might not then again, because it seems they want work experience. I hope that my lack of experience is less important than the fact that I'm a certified make-up artist! But yeah, that's what's going on job-wise and school-wise. Pretty great as far as I'm concerned I would have to say! And of course I've already got some freelancing jobs lined up [prom, wedding, etc.] so that's really comforting to know that these people have all wanted to hire me even before I graduated.
Unfortunately that's all for the good news the rest is sad news...well...bitter-sweet news I suppose would be the proper term, because it's not all bad I guess. Dustin, my fiance, started his pastry school yesterday. This is, of course, upsetting, because I have not been away from him for very long AT ALL, especially by myself. I've been living with him some time now, and the most we've really been apart is if he runs out to the store or something. And if we've ever been apart longer, I've usually been with someone else to keep me company and my mind off it. I think that's the problem. Yeah, I'm sad I'm without him, but what makes it worse is I'm sad without him AND alone. There's not much here to take my mind off him. I mean I have my dog, Elvis, and the other animals in the house, but that's nothing compared to him being here, or anyone being here really. But anyway, yes, he started. Yesterday was just orientation though. Only was there 10am-2:30pm. So he had to wake at 7:30am and then left at like 10 of 8 because he had to get gas and the place is and hour and 30 min away basically. He got home around 4ish. It was so great seeing him when he got home. I did fine most of the day though. I was a little sad when he left. But I sucked it up, kissed him goodbye and let him go. I watched t.v. and was online mostly. Finally around like 12pm, I decided to take a nap, to try and sleep away the last 4 hours until I was expecting him home, and oddly it worked. I didn't think it would. It was great to have him back, even though I was asleep for 4 of the hours he was gone.
But the news gets worse. Last night, we went to a friend's house cause she was having a bonfire. I knew full well we could only stay an hour, maybe a little more MAX. Because Dustin wanted to be in bed by 12ish, so that meant we had to leave about 11:30 because she lives ab 20 min away from Dustin's house. And we had gotten there at 10:30 as it was. But I didn't think we'd lose track of time. Dustin was reminding me of the time throughout the night. Not nagging, but just letting me know, and I was glad he did, because I was just too busy talking to think about it. BUT, then like, around, 11:45 I was like "oh okay we'll go in like a couple min. then, figuring it's not too bad, leaving a tad bit late. Well, then, we got to talking about her horse, and she let us go see him and we got SO caught up in petting her horse and stuff that we ENTIRELY lost track of time and didn't get outta there til sometime after 12. But I think it was before 12:30. I felt like CRAP! This meant Dustin was only going to get about 4 hours of sleep, since he wasn't getting in bed til 1. See, he had to wake at 5:00 today, because he needed to be out by 5:30. Class starts at 7am today. So I've been so upset, because it's basically my fault this has even happened. If I had just left when he was still reminding me of the time, it would have been better. I mean, I know he wouldn't have gotten that much more sleep, but, at least it wouldn't have been my fault, since he consented to go to her house, I made sure he didn't mind. But, he also woke up like a half hour early too, and was awake for about 20 min. in the middle of sleeping. So he only got like close to 3 hours.
So as you can tell I really feel like poo today. But see, a lot more than yesterday. Yesterday I was fine. Sure I was sad, but I sucked it up, and I survived, and I didn't cry. Today is a different story. I've been crying all morning and that's STUPID! I was crying while he was trying to get back to sleep earlier because i felt bad for keeping him up. I cried when he was eating "breakfast" and making tea. But none of that was ANYTHING compared to what happened when he left. I pretty much sucked it up while he was looking at me or in the room. I didn't want him to feel bad about going to school. I mean, he knew I was upset, but he didn't know I'd been crying or anything. But when he left, like probably as soon as he walked out the door, I just broke down and have NO CLUE why. I just don't get it, yesterday I was fine, today isn't that different, sure he's gone longer, but not THAT much longer, so there I was just irrationally bawling my eyes out. I was and still am feeling anxious and stressed this morning and I don't know why. I mean I'm sure part is because Dustin's gone, and part is cause I feel bad for keeping him up, but the way I was acting...it was like I wasn't gonna see him until like...tomorrow night or days or something like that! I felt so foolish, I still do, as I'm still finding it hard not to cry. I thought I was going to have a panic attack...or maybe I did, it's been a good bit of time since I've had a panic attack, so it's hard to recall. I've gone almost an entire year, panic attack free probably, or at least for the bad ones. But I think it surely felt like it. I mean I felt uncontrollable. I was bawling, I couldn't breathe. It was terrible. And it's STUPID STUPID STUPID! Because once again he's already been gone ONCE for several hours, and today ISN'T that much DIFFERENT! I feel like a big freaking baby. I kept telling myself I needed to pull it together, but it isn't working. My dog must think I'm insane. But he comforts me, and that's nice. It's like he knows when I'm sad and need him.
So yeah, I really think I have a lot of getting used to to do before I start feeling comfortable enough to stay home without Dustin being there for many hours and with no one else comforting me at all. I'm NOT used to that. I haven't been alone like that...in basically forever. I mean I've generally always had someone around me all the time. Except for select few times, and a lot of that was before I dated Dustin. Since I've been dating him, we've been inseparable. I think that's why I had a panic attack. I don't think yesterday totally sunk in for me that I'm going to have to be doing this every single day basically til he's all done. But this morning, it really did. And yesterday, I wasn't truly alone. Dustin's mom, and brother's were all home because it was Easter Monday. I mean, they weren't around me, but they were there, and I guess that was comfort enough. Today, his brothers go back to school, and I'm sure his mom and step-dad will go to work. The only people here will be his brother Tyler and Tyler's friends, which is NOT enough comfort, as none of us like each other or get along, not anymore anyway. So it's basically like he's not even here, him and his friends certainly do not count as optional company. But yeah, I think I'm just panicking because I'm totally on my own today, and, like I said, that's something I haven't done in a LONG time. Now I have to go around Dustin's house by myself if I want something, which is awkward. I mean, this has to happen eventually, we need to learn to be apart, but up until now we haven't. And I have a feeling a lot of people look down on me that I'm so upset about being apart. I know some people go much longer without seeing their lovers, and I'm sorry for that, but I am not one of those people. I just happened to be fortunate to be able to spend all this time with him. So before people start looking down on me and judging me about how I'm feeling, they need to let me get used to being apart from him.
Anyway, I think I'm gonna go do something. Ranting out a bit has helped some stress go away. But I'll probably be on edge most of the day, as I don't plan to sleep I don't think. I'm kinda punishing myself in a way for keeping Dustin up. He didn't get much sleep, so neither should I, since it's my fault. So I think I'm going to be very emotional today, I get like that with the less sleep I've had. I guarantee I'm gonna feel sick too. I get that way whenever I don't sleep enough, I start feeling nauseous. But, oh well, I don't wanna sleep, I'd feel guilty for it. Birds have started chirping anyway...they're so annoying....
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